love, unexpected…
I was fifteen, and had been in a small argument with my dad (known to all as ‘Papa’). We never argued, it was a rare occurrence- but I was 15 and stretching my ‘angst’ legs. The argument had something to do with my mom, I had complained to him about something she said that bothered me (seems silly how frustrated I was at the time, I have no recollection of what it was). My parents left for a Jazz festival, and I laid down in front of the tv, on my mound of pillows and blankets, watching the movie Happy Texas. My best friend and aunt were on one couch and my sister was on another. I dozed in and out of sleep and an hour into the movie, my mom walked in the door. I thought she must have forgotten something, but her face was stark white and devoid of emotion… something was up. She sat down next to my sister and said “come here girls,” I was nervous. She didn’t delay, there was no buffer or warning when she blurted out “your Papa passed away tonight.” No way, no fucking way.
I pinched my self over and over and said ‘wake up’… ‘WAKE UP’. The sound of my sister crying “no, no, no, no, no” echoed through my scull and I realized I was awake, it was real. My life changed forever in that moment. It took less than 60 seconds. Over the next few weeks, trivial matters fell below my awareness and I went through my own version of despair. The odd thing is that I had imagined things like the death of one of my parents, and my imagination would scare me about the grief, sadness, and depression I would feel. What I never imagined was the power of love coming from family and friends. The coming together of neighbors to cook my family lunch and dinner over the next month (yes, month). The family members that drove 8-12 hours on that very day to show up for us. I was incredibly lucky, I was surrounded by love and surrounded by people who made it part of their mission to show us this love.
Life has very interesting ways of teaching us things. Our imaginations can’t conceive of all the possibilities. In one moment, I was mad at my dad for not taking my ‘side’, and in the next, I was grieving his death.
I remember hearing the phrase “Live every moment like it’s your last…” It’s a nice saying but it isn’t very practical, and it’s hard to remember in EVERY moment, while you’re having a myriad of human emotions. Life isn’t black and white, emotions grey everything up. Emotions are what inspire us to do amazing [or terrible] things. Our family and friends showing us incredible support and sincere care sparked a whole different emotion that I didn’t know would be part of the grieving process- Gratitude.
How many of us have had a moment [or more] where everything changes? Can you remember? What was it like? Can you remember what the room looked like? What you were feeling and how it struck you? Have you processed the emotions associated with it? Do you feel triggered by it? These questions come from genuine curiosity. Something that came as a result of the experience of losing my father was this unrelenting interest in people and how they feel and what kind of deep life experiences they’ve had. It’s a craving to connect on a deeper level, to find that “normal” is an illusion [ok, I’ll chill on that tangent for now]. I would guess that if you’re reading this, then you’ve had one or more experiences like that. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone, it’s all a part of life, and how we learn from those moments is what makes us grow.
——— Are you ready for a completely different story that I promise will connect in the very end?———
By looking at me, you probably would never guess that I used to drive limousines, would you? Well, I did, and this was when I was only 18 years old. By the time I was 18, I’d already had many different types of work experience (retail clothing store, flower shop, after-school program for kids, promotional model, and the classic - neighborhood babysitter). Directly after graduating high school, I worked for a Native American Gaming Enterprise (most commonly referred to as ‘Indian Casino’). It was huge, and new, and gorgeous. I applied as a valet driver; now my first car (’89 manual transmutation Ford Ranger) was really coming in handy. During training, we learned about limos and how to drive them. ‘How wild,’ I thought to myself, ‘I can drive a limo’. The job itself was fun, especially when working the swing shift when all the fancy cars would come in, we would all run to be the first to the Ferrari, Corvette, or any other sporty souped-up car. We also loved when those old school classic cars would pull up (albeit, they were more intimidating to drive with their tricky stick shifts). The part of the job I never imagined, driving the limos, was equally as fun. A manager would come out and pick one of us saying “prepare the limo, your taking Mr./Mrs. So-en-so home.” Oftentimes, we were driving the high rollers home after they’ve had too much to drink. It was fun, and I loved to drive (ever since I was 7 years old and my dad would let me steer the truck on his lap).
So, before I go deeper into this story, I had an ex-boyfriend (real innocent type of love) that I connected with about 7 months prior to where we are in the story. He said he was having visions from God and that they were hard to explain but basically he was a little psychic. One of the things he said was “this year, something crazy is going to happen to you and it will seem bad, but in the end, it’s a good thing.” Ominous… I didn’t pay much attention to it because I didn’t believe him.
Back to the story… So one night, around November, I was asked to drive these 2 guys home. They were wasted, they were also kinda creepy, they were definitely hitting on me and I was getting a bad feeling as they kept rolling the partition down to ask me about my [non-existent] sex life. I remember having a thought of ‘I hope they just exit the limo peacefully and don’t ask me to come inside [or something creepy] while they “get cash” for the tip.’ I was already planning my escape. Crazy what women and girls are faced with, right? Well, it never even got that far because as we were half way to our destination and I was crossing through the intersection (hoping I’d make the yellow light), BBBAAAMM! We were T-boned at 45 miles per hour. Shit.
The limo was pushed up into a tree in the center divider, the passenger door flung open [how?] and my face hit the steering wheel, hard. As my nose gushed blood and my hands were trembling, I managed to crawl out of the passenger door… I was freaking out, like legit ‘holy shit are those guys alive back there’ freaking out. I went to check on them only to see the entire middle of the limo crunched up. Before I could look through the broken window, a man ran to me and said ‘You’re OK.’ He opened his arms to me and I bawled while he held me, I was so afraid that they were dead in the back of that limo but the man wouldn’t let me look. He walked me to the sidewalk, laid me down on his leather jacket and had me pinch my nose to stop the bleeding. Other people had rushed to the limo and were looking inside while he stayed with me saying over and over ‘You’re OK, everything is going to be fine.’ The ambulance, police, and fire department showed up… it was a whole scene, they used the jaws of life to saw the limo open and retrieve the [possibly dead] passengers, and I was hauled off to the hospital. I don’t know how I would feel today if that man hadn’t been there, or if someone would have been less sensitive and yelling something like ‘what were you thinking running that light.’ I would guess a very bad case of PTSD.
Here is another scenario where something I never expected took place, human kindness and care. That man was so helpful to me in that situation, while everyone else around was interested in the scene and what happened to the passengers. He stayed with me even though I was fine and could walk and only had a bloody nose. He knew I needed kind words and reassurance.
While I was at the hospital, they took my blood to make sure I wasn’t intoxicated, and let me know that the 2 people in the back of the limo were ok and in the hospital as well. What a relief. Here I am having a ‘how am I going to get out of this uncomfortable hitting-on-me situation’ thought almost immediately followed by ‘holy shit did I kill them’ thought. The contrast was insane. My mom got there so fast, my memory actually plays tricks on me because I can see her at the crash site, even though I know she wasn’t there.
Moral of the story? Look back through your life, how many times did you have a metaphorical [or actual] angel watching over you? Some kind of experience where you felt the presence of something greater than us. This presence lives in us during times of “disaster” and we pass the baton to one another. That man who helped me remain calm and consoled me, was expressing this greater presence. Have you been in a position where you’ve exhibited it? I would bet yes. And if not, you likely will be at some point. This isn’t to scare you, this is to remind you of the power that resides within you. Sometimes we are almost forced into channeling this power, sometimes ‘something else’ takes over your consciousness for a moment and you just ‘do’ what needs to be done. If we didn’t have this, humanity wouldn’t be where we are today. All the disasters that humanity has experienced, all the trauma and pain and sorrow is part of our evolution. And boy oh boy does it feel good to be in a situation where you channel that calm, loving power. Being the one who guides others in a scary situation, being the one who reminds someone that everything will be ok feels amazing. If you’ve been on either side of this coin, I would love to hear your story! Remember that you are a powerful and divine being, that we as a collective are limitless and compassionate. I hope this blog post can help anyone reading to connect with their gratitude, if we can find it in the challenging moments, in the trying times, then we’re connecting with the beauty of life.
Also - back to the ex-boyfriend’s visions… I didn’t even realize that the limo crash would inspire me to leave my hometown and into a whole new life in Southern California… interesting.
That is all for now! May your inner peace guide you always, in all ways.